On The Road Again!

Lately I have been going through a lot of changes. You wouldn't know it to look at me, because they are all internal. But I am learning so much about who I am and who I want to be. I am trying to create my life exactly how I want it.
I think it must be natural that I have been having so many ups and downs lately. This is how change occurs, I guess. It is not just a straight and easy path, it is a bumpy and winding road.
I feel like a lot of my time on this journey has been spent sitting on the side of the road and waiting for someone to come along with a map.
Or backtracking and getting lost!
I guess what I am trying to say is that for me, and probably everyone, change is hard. I spend a lot of my time thinking I am not getting anywhere at all.
But then I will have a breakthrough, and all of a sudden I am off again. With a full tank :)
I had one of these moments (or breakthroughs) last night.
I was talking to my husband and he said something to me that hurt my feelings. He didn't mean to and he probably isn't even aware that he did. I was thinking about it after and I realized that what he said is something I am always telling him about me. Just one of those things I ALWAYS say about myself. Like 'I am a so lazy' or 'I should do this' or 'I never finish anything I start'. Little, silly, negative things that I am continuously throwing out there.
He was just innocently throwing it back to me.
Then I realized that all of the things that my family say to me that hurt are things I have said to them about me! It occurred to me that I am giving people weapons to hurt me with. I am giving them power over me and then wondering why they use it.
I am letting my lack of self confidence rule me and I am basically telling people to treat me like garbage. I said this to my husband and he said "that is what I have been saying to you forever". Well, okay then, I am listening :)
I guess this is one of those 'easy little things' I have been missing out on!
So I have decided that I will not help anyone put me down. I will not give them the weapons to use against me. I will not say anything negative about myself. Even the littlest thing can come back at me and cause me pain, especially when I hear it from someone else.
I am going to take back my power and be the person I want to be. I will not hide behind excuses and be afraid of change. I am going to be in charge of my life and I will start with loving me.

So, I guess I am on the road again! It feels good :)

Putting Off Happiness???

You should know that I am a HUGE procrastinator!
The funny thing is that I hate this about myself and yet it is the thing I have the hardest time changing.
I do not like to be late, yet I am always running behind schedule. I always like to plan things and be prepared, yet I leave everything until the last minute.
It absolutely drives me CU-RAAAZY!!!
Anyway I think I had an epiphany the other day. I was in the shower, where apparently I do all my best thinking ;), and it occurred to me that procrastinating is like putting happiness off until later.
I mean if I do the dishes right away I am so happy about how clean my kitchen looks and I can relax, but if I do them later my kitchen looks crappy and on top of that I feel bad because once again I put something off that I could have just done and gotten over with.
Not to mention the fact that when I put off a small job until later it is usually a GINORMOUS job by the time I 'get to it'.
So I finally realized that every time I say "I'll do that later" it is the same thing as saying "I will be happy later".
Lately I haven't been putting anything off, no matter how big or small, and shockingly (sarcastic much?) I am much happier. I feel like I am being the real me, finally.
I am planning, I am cleaning things as I notice them, I am following the 'never put off until tomorrow what you can do today' rule.
It is definitely making my life run smoother.
I know people are probably saying 'Duh - that is so easy! I have always known that'. But honestly for me it wasn't really clicking until now.
So I am wondering how many other 'easy' little things I am missing out on.
If one little change can make such a huge difference where else can I improve?
I am definitely going to be keeping my eyes open for ideas - no more procrastinating there either:)

What have you been putting off?

A Fresh Start!

I was looking through my pictures again this morning and I thought I would share these ones. I remember this day clearly. It was so beautiful. The air felt fresh and crisp and everything looked so clean and bright. Looking back through these pictures brought those feelings right back to me. It was just exactly what I needed today. I am going to keep thinking how great I felt that day and take some of those great feelings with me throughout today.

I hope you enjoy them too, they make me think of a fresh start :)

Fall

I am loving the weather lately! It really feels like fall is on the way.
I love fall!
It is my favourite season by far. I love the smells, I love the sounds of leaves crunching, I love all the colours. I really just love everything about fall.

















I was looking through my pictures today, and I came across these ones. They are some that I took last year, and they really say Autumn to me. I can almost smell the leaves.










Just thought I would share them, they made me smile :)
I hope you enjoy them too!

I Love Books

So, if you have read any of my previous posts, you may know that I like to read. Actually that is a huge understatement. I LOVE to read. As a child I used to imagine how cool it would be to be locked in a huge old library for the night. I love the smell of books, I love the look of them, I just absolutely loooove books. If I am looking for information you can always find me with my nose buried in a book. I read all the time. I read if I am upset, if I am bored, if I am enjoying some alone time.

I think I may be an emotional reader :)

Cleaning Up!

I have been feeling out of sorts lately. I don't usually use that phrase, but I don't know how else to describe it.
I was grumpy, irritable and just feeling altogether dissatisfied. I couldn't figure it out. I have everything I thought I always wanted and life is going great.
The only change is that I have been going deeper while trying to work out some of my personal issues and I have really been trying to figure out who I am. I am reading some amazing books and articles. I am learning a lot of helpful new affirmations and visualization techniques, and I feel like I am really heading in the right direction.
So why am I feeling so junky???
Today while I was having my shower I think I figured it out. It is my perfectionism taking over!
You may be wondering why the shower triggered this revelation but it will all make perfect sense in a minute, trust me;)
OK, so one of my stops on this journey of self-discovery was to the Fly lady. I really love her group and have received a lot of very helpful and informative e-mails since I joined.
Well last week as I was reading my fly lady e-mails I came across one from a woman who had written in about her shower.
Apparently she had a really dirty shower and she kept putting off cleaning it because the thought of doing the whole thing until it was perfect was overwhelming. She finally realized that her perfectionism was taking over and that some scrubbing is better than no scrubbing. If she could just give up trying to be perfect and use baby steps eventually it would be done.
I am sure this is what I have been doing to myself.
I have been so bogged down with trying to be perfect or with being overwhelmed by the amount of things I need to work through. I wanted to fix all of my problems NOW and I wasn't getting anywhere.
So in the shower I clued in. Instead of getting frustrated and overwhelmed at how much work, or self-improving, I have to do I need to start small. I need to take baby steps. I need to do a little at a time and eventually I will get there.
I am on my way and there is no time limit. I plan on enjoying this journey, so I will not ruin it by trying to make it perfect. I am going to enjoy myself every step of the way. I am so grateful for all of my experiences.

Today I am especially grateful because I learned something about myself....and my shower is really clean:)

Who Would I Be?

I am reading quite a few books right now. I think I must be going through some kind of change, spiritually, and books are where I always head when my world feels like it is turning upside down.
I am trying to figure out who I want to be. I know that may sound silly, after all I am thirty-one years old. Not only do I not know who I am but I also don't know who I want to be.
I am trying to flow with the process, just let things come as they will, and eventually I will get there. I suppose I will breathe a sigh of relief and say "so here I am, this is me!"
But I can't seem to let the process flow, I am trying to guide it and push it and force it along. So... enter the books.
They are great books, and I find them inspiring, but for some reason since I have been reading I have gone from feeling hopeful to anxious. And from focused to flighty.
I am sure this is just my perfectionism trying to take over. I am feeling very unsatisfied in most areas of my life right now. I am not unhappy, but I feel as though I am missing something. Anyway, back to the books. I read a sentence in one of them that is really sticking with me. It was from Excuses Begone!. The quote is 'If no one told me who I was, who would I be?' I think this is an amazing question.
The author advises me to 'quietly meditate on this by spending time in the spaciousness of not knowing.' There is my problem. I started out quietly meditating and then I started pushing.
I hate not knowing!
I guess my task for today will be to take fifteen minutes of time for myself and just relax. I will meditate and I will visualize and I will not push. Instead of putting a time limit on my journey I will take a few minutes and enjoy the possibilities.

I am ready to enjoy the journey, wish me luck :)